Flop house Shivering Dog Sickness.

Written on October 20th, 2011 by Edward


Looks like my basement is finally clean, ish. For those that don’t know (i.e. most of you) up until recently, my basement sort of resembled, a cross between a crack house, and an abandon train car in a rail yard some where.
Littered with old beverage containers, filthy clothes all over the floor, various forms of trash and litter, and basically just a big disgusting mess. The only things missing to really complete the picture were, a couple of Crusty pale skinned Bums reeking of piss, an off duty street walker, and possibly a dead infant somewhere. It was pretty bad.

Not the whole basement mind you, just the back portion, by the washer and drier. There were just huge piles of old clothing I haven’t worn in years. My dog (Roxy) took it upon her self to piss and shit all over these piles of clothes…cause ya know, she’s a dog. She also took it upon herself to, eat whatever form of garbage she could find, and tear all the fabric softener sheets into a form of fluffy confetti.

The other day though, my Girl friend (Samm), decided that it was “Disgusting”, and needed to be cleaned. She kept insisting upon my helping her clean up this flop house like mess, and I kept saying I’d get around to it. But ya know, I never really found the time. What with my busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing productive.
Lounging around like a human sized cat, Constantly busy. Simply thinking about perplexing things like “Why the fuck do people watch Movies with Jack Nicholson in them?” Digging through boxes of stuff that I packed up 10 years ago, simply to see if I could find any “good stuff”. Basically, it turns out I’m a lazy asshole that likes to make messes, and not clean them up.
Well, the other day while I was at Band Practice, Samm took it upon herself to clean the entire basement herself. Somehow managing to do so in less than three hours. Which rather is impressive.  I didn’t think it would be possible to do that in less than a day. Or without a hazmat suit, a penicillin shot, and a wood chipper.
I’d thought about cleaning it up myself several times. But I always got down there, looked around, and wouldn’t even know where the fuck I should start. So I’d simply read a book,  or something, else instead. Hoping that the mess would magically disappear on its own (it didn’t).
She cleaned the living shit out of the basement. It actually looks inhabitable now. Which means I’m gonna have to start making sure I walk Roxy regularly, being as she no longer has a giant pile of Old clothing to shit on.

In following this new “normal people” way of doing things. I took Roxy for a walk the other day. Ya know, so she wouldn’t shit in my house, and cause its fun to watch her fight with the soccer ball in the back-yard. So what does she do? She immediately starts flipping the fuck out, as soon as we step out the door. Hair standing straight up on her back, growling, snarling, and barking…At a garbage can, and a few garbage bags. I mean, it took me a bit to figure out what she was freaking out about. But eventually it turned out, it was obviously the garbage.
In testing this idea, I forced her over to the garbage. She didn’t wanna go anywhere near it, but I insisted (which involved alot of shoving and verbal threats). Standing there, she continued growling and snarling at the garbage, Until I told her to “Get it”. Just to make sure.
Upon hearing that, she lunged towards a garbage bag, and started pulling and biting on it. Like a fucking retard.
So apparently, she hates the garbage. Like some sort of overly sensitive, sad little indian.
A bit after that, we hopped into the car, to go for a drive. Sitting there in my cold car, waiting for the heat to kick in. I notice Roxy sitting in the passenger seat, shaking, and whining like a little bitch, cause she’s cold.
Now, I’m pretty sure dogs aren’t supposed to get cold when its only 45 degree’s outside. Being as she is in fact covered in a thick layer of Fur. I mean, sure it was a bit windy too. But we were in a fucking car. So its not like she was really directly in the wind. But there she sat, shaking, and acting all cold. Occasionally tossing a little whimpery whine in, here and there.
Its not like she’s a “little dog”. If she was, I could understand being cold. But she’s not. She’s a Border Collie. Not the biggest dogs in the world, but not really small either. Definitely big enough to not have any excuse for being all cold as fuck, when its only 45 degree’s outside.
So, I asked her “What the fuck is your problem? You’re a dog.”
She just looked at me and whimpered some more. Cause ya know, she can’t respond because she doesn’t speak english.
“Seriously, you really suck at being a dog. Sitting there all covered in fur an shit, shaking and whimpering like an asshole. Its not even that cold out. What the fuck are you gonna do when its actually winter, and theres snow on the ground? Ya can’t shit in the house anymore, so you are most definitely gonna have to go out and fuck around in the snow. What are you gonna do then?” She just continued starting at me, refusing to answer my question, whining occasionally.
So I continued “What do you expect me to do, buy you a sweater or something?” Still just staring at me.
“I can’t do that. If I do that, then I’ll be that asshole, walking his dog, while the dog is wearing a sweater. People will think I probably make you fancy ass dog meals and shit too. I’ll just look like a big stupid asshole.” Still, just continues staring at me.

So basically…My dog, like most dogs, can not respond to anything I say to her…Because, she is a fucking dog. Apparently far to busy to learn how to speak english.
Instead spending all her time, doing dog shit (i.e. sleeping at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, pooping in places that I and others will step in, licking her butt and biting herself whenever she’s itchy).
So yeah, Looks like I’m gonna be purchasing my dog a fucking sweater. Cause she sucks at being a dog, and staying warm.

She did recently get her dog-gina (i.e. Dog Pussy) sewn shut, and they had to shave her belly to do so. So that may have something to do with her being extra cold. Though, I dunno really.
Also…I am aware that when a Female dog gets fixed, they don’t actually sew her vagina shut, or remove her Dog-gina. Its a major surgery, basically a doggy hysterectomy, and requires some major healing time.
But saying “I got my dog fixed” is far less funny, than saying Her Dogina is sewn shut…So yeah.

In other news…Everyone in the band is now sick. Thanks to our new bass player Dylan Lasley.


We had a show on Oct. 13th (@ the back bar in Janesville, in celebration of Chris Denckers Bday). Apparently a few days prior to that show, Dylan started developing a cold, and by the 13th he was full on sick. I gotta say though. He did struggle through our set, despite being sick, and really came through. Even though he was completely twisted from taking handfuls of cold medicine.
Regardless, it seems Dylan (like alot of people) is completely incapable of covering his mouth when he coughs. So as a result of sitting in confined spaces with him. Justin and I are both also sick now. Which is great.
Now I dunno what the fuck it is about everyone I know. But it seems I don’t know a single Person that actually knows how to cover their mouth when they cough. Regardless of age, everyone I know will just sit there, mouth open wide, violently spitting their disease into the air all around them. Thus guaranteeing that everyone around them will also get to share the joys of being sick. Its weird. I dunno why its so hard for people to cover their mouth when they cough, but apparently it is really fucking difficult. Maybe their arms are way heavier than they look, or something. I dunno.

But due to being sick, I did something I haven’t done in years. I took cough medicine.
Now, for the past several years, I’ve avoided taking cough medicine, no matter how sick I was. Simply because, it affects me really oddly. No matter what cough medicine I take, I end up tripping harder than I ever have on any other substance I’ve ever taken. Then I end up not sleeping for 36 hours after wards.
I mean I’ll lay in bed an stuff. But I can not fall asleep.
Despite being fully aware of this, I figured…its been several years, maybe it won’t affect me the same way as before?
So last night I decided to take 1.5 doses of Robitussin DM, cause I felt shitty, and just didn’t wanna feel like that anymore. With in 3 minutes of swallowing that putrid shit, I was completely confused as to what the fuck was happening. I have literally no idea why that shit affects me like it does. But its horrible. Maybe I’m allergic to it, or just hypersensitive. But regardless, within 3 minutes of taking that shit, everything was confusing, and really really shiny. There wasn’t any immediate hallucinations of any sort. Just a general feeling of confusion, and disorientation.
Then I decided to go up to the bathroom and shave (it was around 1am, so yeah)…The lights on the stairs weren’t on, nor was the light in the bathroom when I got in there. Thats when I realized how much the stuff was affecting me.
Immediately upon getting through the bathroom door, I realized that the entire bathroom was full of a Twisting, swirling, cloud of technicolor iridescent smoke, that appeared to be made from electronic fish scales. I’d completely forgotten that the visual hallucinations are far worse, when in an environment that has literally no light source.
I stood there for a few moments, inspecting the swirling, twisting mess, and then forgot why I’d gone up there in the first place. So instead of shaving, I simply turned around and went back downstairs. Only to remember why I’d gone up stairs in the first place, shortly after sitting down on the couch. But by that point, I’d already made it back down stairs. So I said fuck it (literally, I said “Fuck it” out loud), and instead sat on the couch and stared at the wall for awhile. Occasionally I’d stop staring at the wall, to look for the black bugs I’d seen out of the corner of my eye, or to try and figure out where the flashing lights were coming from. But mostly, I spent the night staring at the wall.
Eventually, I decided I needed to sleep. But just ended up in the basement laying on my bed, staring into the darkness, at a cloud of imaginary smoke that had formed itself into a humanoid face.

At this point, we’re all still sorta sick. Though, its not as bad as it was for awhile. Honestly, it was never really all that bad to begin with. So whatever. I just hope that I remember in the future, that cough medicine and I do not get along at all. I mean, sure, its a bit entertaining for awhile. But after a certain point, I just wanna go to sleep. But instead, end up laying in my bed, staring into the dark ness, at a face made of  Technicolor, Slowly Twisting electro-fish-scale smoke, as the face shows off different expressions. Melting back and forth between happy and sad. etc…Its fun, but I’d really much rather just go to sleep.

— Edward

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